| long time no see? |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|05:00 pm] |
well fellow life adventurers , how have we all been? has your chained animal inside you been let out for a play or is it living in solitude. been a strange year this one. learning more than my fair share on the evil habits and traits of man and womankind. normally my rant would be fueled with anger and dark thoughts but for the time being all i feel is the hopelessness of mans struggle to aqquire that one thing we all seek. true love. a dark shadow has fallen on my former self and my need to express what's inside will escape soon. but not now. not yet. words once spoken or written can NEVER be taken back. hope you are all well. will promise to return to this topic soon. take care. there are lots of fucked up people out there. c |
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| outside my door |
[Jan. 5th, 2008|07:23 pm] |
happy new year one and all. i haven't truely decided where this post is going so good luck. i have a few goals this year. i need to go home. my other home. slavonice. and i'd like to finally see germany. so many of my friends live far away. i miss you all. and i need to shed some wieght. niether is easy but that's why they're goals. love you all. take care of one another. love c |
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| my apology |
[Oct. 7th, 2007|01:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | depth of my mind | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | all my life; foo fighters | ] |
well. where does one start. it's time to evolve. i need to be beyond myself. i'm here to say i'm sorry i'm not perfect. i need to get some things off my chest.
firstly to everyone i've hurt directlt or indirectly through my actions or words i truely apologise. i lost myself and in the last 4 months i've felt that i need peace. if you can help me that would be great. my prayers are with you in all your endeavors. may you reach what you seek.
secondly to my friends. thanks for your support and advice in my troubles and needs. you know should you need anything you can always rely on my support, whatever i can give, and my discretion. i love you all. you know how much you mean to me. it won't be forgotten.
thirdly to the woman i love. where does one start this one. you know how i feel about you. i'll love you for the rest of my life wheather you like it or not. i never meant for things to go the way they did. if i could take every stupid act back i would. i hope your sacrifices are worth it in the end. i'll always be a phone call away.
lastly to those i'm yet to meet. i hope you don't judge me by my appearence believe me it's a deception. i hope you don't cross me you'll know about it. i hope we can be friends for ever, if not you at least learn to respect those around you. even those cover in tattoos.
take care of each other. hope to see you all soon. love c |
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| friends? |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|04:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the pain inside | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | talk show host ; radiohead | ] |
sometimes the definition of friend varies from the regular. i like to think i'm a good friend. whenever somebody needs something i try my hardest to give them what they need whatever that is. what i don't understand why this is a one way street. whenever i need something no matter how small that is, i'm surrounded by ghosts. this leaves two solutions. one; a flashbang and a 9 millimeter or the redefinition of a friend. one at the moment is incredablly more inticing. i did something for friend last night. and now we'll never speak again. remember that it better to have friends than enemies. but still i don't fully know why. an enemy hurts you that's expected. when a friend hurts you you never forget it. take care all. c |
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| snafu |
[Mar. 23rd, 2007|05:54 pm] |
well i'm back again. things once again have reached the point of self destruction. it's taken 3 months to get to see my daughter. work is ruling my life. and my love life well(...). i heard that my section. the one i run won't exist in 2 weeks. i've been given 2 choices. something i really don't have a heart for but might be ok or there's the door. i've sacrificed alot of things to get my section into a funtioning area only to get down sized by a new ceo with dollar signs in his eyes. i'm fucking over doing what other people want. i'm sick of people saying one thing then doing another.
maybe it's time for aq job change. i've been fighting life on every front personal, social, work related and i'm just about ready for a dirt nap or a straight jacket. and have reached the point of either being a great idea. hope the meaning of life has found some of you. but for the time being the meaning of my life fucking escapes me.
love you all. catch you on the flip side. c |
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| another one bites the dust |
[Dec. 31st, 2006|02:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home sweet home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | interpol ; evil | ] |
wondering if age has something to do with it.
as a kid i remember playing until midnight in the yard with my childhood friends. running around like fools. happy. now after a string of horrible new years i spend the night alone. just me , my ever present travel ted, and some good tunes to keep me sane. i hope whatever you got up to you had a great time. i wish you all a great next year. take care. your friend. c |
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| lost friends |
[Oct. 28th, 2006|12:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | into the dark; ben lee | ] |
my week has been one of great saddness and great joy. work at the moment is forcing me to find new employment due to a case of fuckheadness that my boss inflicts on everything and everyone he interacts with. a friend who i have seen everyday for the last few months choose this week to decieve me and it has made me lose faith in humanity a little more. and i can feel my heart ripping inside me. i have a daughter and everytime my family and i make extreme efforts to see her the mother never shows. i don't think i will ever see her again. that's the hardest thing for a father to ever say. other than that things are just great. this week your homework assignment is to contact someone you haven't seen or heard from and catch up. let me know how it goes. love you all my silent partners in crime. c |
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| gaff tape |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|09:40 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | pissed off land | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | james blunt; so long, jimmy | ] |
fucking sick of life the way it is. gaff tape and rubber bands seem to be holding me together at the moment and i hate that feeling. i need to leave this shell behind and find another. sick of day to day bullshit with no reward. i need a holiday with the people i love around me and absinth ( the real stuff kiddies) on tap. i need to hear those words we all want to here. and some fucking praise from my boss wouldn't go astray. i hope your all in a better place than me and are getting where you want to be. take care of each other. love all. c |
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| her voice |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|09:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fleetwood mac ; i don't want to know | ] |
she said something to me the other night. it felt like a stiletto sliding neatly between 2 of my ribs. and i knew how she had felt. i woke this morning. and stared across the emptiness of the bed which was hers. i felt in pain. in my past i used to cut myself when i felt this bad. the reason i tattooed my arms is that i could never do that again. i never thought that i would let myself feel this bad ever again. i'm very lucky i love my artwork. cause there wouldn't be much left. physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. that's why i used to cut. now i don't drink. i don't smoke (anything). and i'll never use hard drugs. the only thing that makes it all better is her touch and her voice. the only true drug i know. c |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|02:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | hell | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | interpol ; evil | ] |
so i awoke this morning and thought "why you stupid fuckhead? why?". i was looking in the mirror and i could see my reflection loading the gun to shoot himself. i wish i could just wake up 3 months earlier. i only ever have truely loved 4 partners and the last woman i fell for is sailing away and i don't blame her 1 little bit. i'm sorry for all the pain and tears that i have caused you or anyone from my past. i hurt daily. the pain breaks me into atoms ever so slowly and my misery is taking away my mind. enough for today. take care my friends. beware the bogeyman. c |
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| burn it fucking down |
[Jul. 17th, 2004|11:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tigerlillies-snip snip | ] |
well well well dark ones i'm back and just in the right mood to ramble. have you ever wondered how this world isn't just one big radioactive ball of dirt. i sit on the train ,in the mall , anywhere that there's numerous andriods of the state which sit in there own little worlds wondering how to screw someone else to get where there going. i look around in disgust, wanting only to wash myself because if feel soiled by their presence. i'm sick of the way that if you act different or do something different your an outsider, yet the thought of conforming to society make me sick. i just want to be me without judgement. i'm sick of the rumormill , the propaganda or anything used to control the way we act or should feel guilt. i say right now to all of you,no-one is perfect. and i say judge no-one , just accept. the devil can have my soul for all i care because my only person who judges me is me. take heed disciples the day of judgement for me is never coming. i hope it's the same for you.
the lost soul
curse |
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| does every page need one |
[Mar. 21st, 2004|07:39 pm] |
well freaks and followers it's that time again , curse's update. well i got fired from my job some weeks ago and i'm doing the centerlink fuck around. in the tyler sence of reality how many centerlinks would we have to blow up to get them to understand the frustration they put the general public through. is there enough c4 to solve my problem. anyway having no money i've been chasing jobs through friends and managed to get my dream job but only for 2 days a week. i teach history to school students . never thought i get job satisfaction teaching but i get to teach with a sword in my hand. every teachers dream i bet. i've finally got a new residence as well. time for a room warming. sort of like a house warming but more personal. i've just gotten back from sydney i was working{fighting} down there for 2 weeks another perk of the job. i've got 3 more trips away for work. 2 more to sydney and 1 month to melborne. i could complain but i work with the other father of my child and a mother of 2 and we have a great time together.
i've finally gotten access to my little caroline. she has 5 teeth , she loves swimming , riding horses , and everytime i see her i can't believe i'm a dad. she's so beautiful. it's her first birthday in a couple of weeks { april 1st } and i'm buying her the biggest teddy bear i can find. take care of each other. |
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| broken head |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|06:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 60's popular | ] |
well i don't know but lately it doesn't feel like i sleep. but i'm having some fucking freaky nightmares. the start of this year has really mucked with my head and i'm hoping from here on in it only gets better. one of my closest and longest friends decided she'd had enough of life and gave it a good go to remove herself from the many of us who hate being here as well. but at least we have stength to look our foes in the eyes and give them the finger. after spending 5 or so hours with her, i pumped her full of curse's "fuck em philosphy". she's recovering well. also my god mother died after a 4 year battle with cancer. i haven't dealt with that one yet but it's on my list. take care of each other causes noone else is going to.
you friend and ally. curse |
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| fuck christmas |
[Dec. 23rd, 2003|09:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | white stripes | ] |
sick of all the bullshit fucking related to this time of year. my idea of christmas is get some friends over , cones , vodka , hopefully a pool (for the i'm really floating experence) and have a great time. none of this " you must buy this or your kids will kill you or your wife will leave you for a vacuum cleaner salesman". i say fuck it to christmas. i gonna make up banners and flags telling every one to grow up and banish the myth that has decieved our children for years. call a tyler me like personality but sometimes you've just got to say fuck it. |
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| what is life |
[Nov. 21st, 2003|06:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | boo | ] |
well i'm back from europe and it's really to hot for me. living in the czech republic has changed me forever. it was like living in fight club. the toilet didn't flush properly. we didn't always have hot water. you dug fresh vegatables from the back garden. it was an amazing way to find out just what you can live without. sorryy for the lapse in writing this journal had some real problems with access to certain sights overseas. if you, any of you have never been to prague i suggest before you time is up try to see this beautiful city for yourself. must go, will tell you my tales from overseas and once again appolgise for not telling them sooner. |
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| my new home |
[Jul. 22nd, 2003|08:19 pm] |
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even as i desended through the clouds a colage of browns , yellows and greens pass beneath my feet and i realize my i'm in a place that could only be descibed as beautiful and even then only by people who stand here and realize that through all these people have experenced that this country is only a reflection of it's people.the village in which i'll be living off and on for the next few months is beyond meer words. it dates back to the 1200's and has survived occupation by not only the russians of which you see there inflicted culture but nazi occupation during world war 2 and i think that if i could use only one word i would use none only to say i stand on cobblestones and stare at buildings in which only my pictures could possibily do justice. the family i now consider part of my own have welcomed me with open arms and i have friends already who don't even speak the same language as me. life here is very different on all levels. people make everything themselves jams and breads , grow most of there own vegetables because your average family can't afford to shop at the supermarket. i love it here and i've only been here a day.will write soon. your friend curse. |
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| morbid times |
[Jul. 3rd, 2003|09:21 pm] |
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well tonight i sat in my dark room , peter gabriel keeping me company and proceeded on the task of dividing my worldly possessions amonst my friends should something nasty happen to me overseas. then to cheer myself up i then wrote the procedure of my funeral (i hope you enjoy it). why is it before you do something so exciting as exploring the world one should be forced to deal with reality. i beaming, 6 days of work to go , 1 week of preperation, a wedding then hopefully a night of passionate sex before leaving the only place i've called home for 6-12 months. my last big night out on the town , tommorrow night aiming to have lots of fun. |
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| last night in heaven |
[Jun. 20th, 2003|10:44 pm] |
well tommorrow i pack my things in storage. very sad.ilove my big black bed and to sleep anywhere else feels wrong. i know it's only the first entry but i feel that i've somehow let you guys down. i promise to get more creative as i get used to this. bye for now.
c |
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| This ought to be no surprise.... |
[Jun. 20th, 2003|07:12 pm] |
You are the Anti-Virgin. You lost your virginity
quite a while ago, but you're still making up
for lost time. You boink who you want, when you
want, and anyone who tries to get all
moralistic on you is going to be very, very
sorry. You're kind of skanky, but in a good
way. God bless you.
How Virginal Are You?
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