long time no see?

well fellow life adventurers , how have we all been? has your chained animal inside you been let out for a play or is it living in solitude. been a strange year this one. learning more than my fair share on the evil habits and traits of man and womankind. normally my rant would be fueled with anger and dark thoughts but for the time being all i feel is the hopelessness of mans struggle to aqquire that one thing we all seek. true love. a dark shadow has fallen on my former self and my need to express what's inside will escape soon. but not now. not yet. words once spoken or written can NEVER be taken back. hope you are all well. will promise to return to this topic soon. take care. there are lots of fucked up people out there. c
  • Current Music
    dumb ; nivana

outside my door

happy new year one and all. i haven't truely decided where this post is going so good luck. i have a few goals this year. i need to go home. my other home. slavonice. and i'd like to finally see germany. so many of my friends live far away. i miss you all. and i need to shed some wieght. niether is easy but that's why they're goals. love you all. take care of one another. love c

my apology

well. where does one start. it's time to evolve. i need to be beyond myself. i'm here to say i'm sorry i'm not perfect. i need to get some things off my chest.
firstly to everyone i've hurt directlt or indirectly through my actions or words i truely apologise. i lost myself and in the last 4 months i've felt that i need peace. if you can help me that would be great. my prayers are with you in all your endeavors. may you reach what you seek.
secondly to my friends. thanks for your support and advice in my troubles and needs. you know should you need anything you can always rely on my support, whatever i can give, and my discretion. i love you all. you know how much you mean to me. it won't be forgotten.
thirdly to the woman i love. where does one start this one. you know how i feel about you. i'll love you for the rest of my life wheather you like it or not. i never meant for things to go the way they did. if i could take every stupid act back i would. i hope your sacrifices are worth it in the end. i'll always be a phone call away.
lastly to those i'm yet to meet. i hope you don't judge me by my appearence believe me it's a deception. i hope you don't cross me you'll know about it. i hope we can be friends for ever, if not you at least learn to respect those around you. even those cover in tattoos.
take care of each other. hope to see you all soon. love c
  • Current Music
    all my life; foo fighters

friends?

sometimes the definition of friend varies from the regular. i like to think i'm a good friend. whenever somebody needs something i try my hardest to give them what they need whatever that is. what i don't understand why this is a one way street. whenever i need something no matter how small that is, i'm surrounded by ghosts. this leaves two solutions. one; a flashbang and a 9 millimeter or the redefinition of a friend. one at the moment is incredablly more inticing. i did something for friend last night. and now we'll never speak again. remember that it better to have friends than enemies. but still i don't fully know why. an enemy hurts you that's expected. when a friend hurts you you never forget it. take care all. c
  • Current Music
    talk show host ; radiohead

snafu

well i'm back again. things once again have reached the point of self destruction. it's taken 3 months to get to see my daughter. work is ruling my life. and my love life well(...). i heard that my section. the one i run won't exist in 2 weeks. i've been given 2 choices. something i really don't have a heart for but might be ok or there's the door. i've sacrificed alot of things to get my section into a funtioning area only to get down sized by a new ceo with dollar signs in his eyes. i'm fucking over doing what other people want. i'm sick of people saying one thing then doing another.
maybe it's time for aq job change. i've been fighting life on every front personal, social, work related and i'm just about ready for a dirt nap or a straight jacket. and have reached the point of either being a great idea. hope the meaning of life has found some of you. but for the time being the meaning of my life fucking escapes me.
love you all. catch you on the flip side. c
  • Current Music
    dumb ; nivana

another one bites the dust

wondering if age has something to do with it.
as a kid i remember playing until midnight in the yard with my childhood friends. running around like fools. happy. now after a string of horrible new years i spend the night alone. just me , my ever present travel ted, and some good tunes to keep me sane. i hope whatever you got up to you had a great time. i wish you all a great next year. take care. your friend. c
  • Current Music
    interpol ; evil

lost friends

my week has been one of great saddness and great joy. work at the moment is forcing me to find new employment due to a case of fuckheadness that my boss inflicts on everything and everyone he interacts with. a friend who i have seen everyday for the last few months choose this week to decieve me and it has made me lose faith in humanity a little more. and i can feel my heart ripping inside me. i have a daughter and everytime my family and i make extreme efforts to see her the mother never shows. i don't think i will ever see her again. that's the hardest thing for a father to ever say. other than that things are just great. this week your homework assignment is to contact someone you haven't seen or heard from and catch up. let me know how it goes. love you all my silent partners in crime. c
  • Current Music
    into the dark; ben lee

gaff tape

fucking sick of life the way it is. gaff tape and rubber bands seem to be holding me together at the moment and i hate that feeling. i need to leave this shell behind and find another. sick of day to day bullshit with no reward. i need a holiday with the people i love around me and absinth ( the real stuff kiddies) on tap. i need to hear those words we all want to here. and some fucking praise from my boss wouldn't go astray. i hope your all in a better place than me and are getting where you want to be. take care of each other. love all. c
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    james blunt; so long, jimmy

her voice

she said something to me the other night. it felt like a stiletto sliding neatly between 2 of my ribs. and i knew how she had felt. i woke this morning. and stared across the emptiness of the bed which was hers. i felt in pain. in my past i used to cut myself when i felt this bad. the reason i tattooed my arms is that i could never do that again. i never thought that i would let myself feel this bad ever again. i'm very lucky i love my artwork. cause there wouldn't be much left. physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. that's why i used to cut. now i don't drink. i don't smoke (anything). and i'll never use hard drugs. the only thing that makes it all better is her touch and her voice. the only true drug i know. c
  • Current Music
    fleetwood mac ; i don't want to know

(no subject)

so i awoke this morning and thought "why you stupid fuckhead? why?". i was looking in the mirror and i could see my reflection loading the gun to shoot himself. i wish i could just wake up 3 months earlier. i only ever have truely loved 4 partners and the last woman i fell for is sailing away and i don't blame her 1 little bit. i'm sorry for all the pain and tears that i have caused you or anyone from my past. i hurt daily. the pain breaks me into atoms ever so slowly and my misery is taking away my mind. enough for today. take care my friends. beware the bogeyman. c
  • Current Music
    interpol ; evil